Typically, when parents divorce and share custody of their children, those children move back and forth between their parents’ homes. Although some parents continue to keep a home where their children remain while the parents take turns living there, that’s usually not a workable long-term solution.
While divorcing parents want to make things as easy as possible for their kids, they can’t relate to how it feels to move between two homes unless they did it themselves when they were young.
Choosing a custody schedule
A custody schedule can look like whatever parents choose (unless they can’t agree and have to leave it up to a judge). They need to consider their individual child. For example, young children (under 4) often have a difficult time not seeing one parent for more than a few days. That means it may be best for the child to move between homes every couple of days. Some therapists recommend a 2/2/3 schedule for these children.
When kids get a bit older, they often do well with fewer transitions. Moving to a 2/2/5 or even a weekly transition schedule may work for them, maybe with an evening with the other parent during that time. By the time they’re in high school, kids’ custody schedules are often governed in part by when they have extracurricular activities or sports practice.
Of course, there’s more to consider than age. Social-emotional development is also a key consideration. Some kids struggle with adapting to change or unexpected circumstances. Others may need to be around one parent more than the other. Still other kids have medical, mental health, behavioral or learning challenges that need to be considered when determining a custody schedule.
Making a child feel at home
While finding the best custody schedule is critical, that’s only part of what’s necessary to ease a child’s transition into their new routine. It’s important for the parent who’s in a new home to make sure their child feels like they aren’t just visiting. That means having their own room (if possible) and belongings there so they don’t have to “pack a bag” whenever they go.
Further, it’s crucial to make drop-offs and pick-ups drama free. This isn’t the time to discuss issues around the divorce, support or even custody arrangements. Those need to be dealt with when the child isn’t around. By having a well-thought-out custody agreement and schedule and a thorough parenting plan, parents can make things a lot easier on their children.